This Version Of You

I'm sorry to be me the one that had to get to know this version of you. I know you are destined to be a wonderful man when you so wish it, but i'm sorry it's not me who will enjoy that being. I'm sorry i'm the right girlfriend for the wrong man. And i'm also sorry that you didn't get to love me, not enough, not as much to try by my side.


Lamento ser yo a la que le haya tocado esta versión de ti. Sé que estás destinado a ser un hombre maravilloso cuando tú desees que así sea, pero lamento ser yo quien no ha de disfrutar a ese ser. Lamento ser la novia correcta para el hombre equivocado. Y lamento también, que no me hubieses llegado a querer, no lo suficiente, no lo demasiado como para intentarlo a mi lado.

I Understand

Having nothing to lose I sent you a message yesterday, in which I proposed we start from 0. You didn't actually read it until that night but all afternoon I had time to heal and understand.

I already know I am very mature when it comes to relationships, I'm realistic and calculating. But I absolutley had no idea I had grown so much, not that I was oblivious to these things, it's just you made me realized how much I grew after my 4 year relationship. Why? Well I had true feelings for you and now I have to let them go, but i understand why i have to do it and it's not a reason to be sad. 

In my mind i will always have a million questions, and there might be one more, but it doesn't really matter, or which reason is stronger, the point is you need time to heal and we can't continue so I understand.

I thought I could help you heal, but we're all different. Every mind is a universe, and in every mind is a world of thought.

I wish I had met you at a time when you heart were healed and you had no fears to love freely, or at least get to know me without having to hold anything back. At least I didn't lose a friend. Who knows what the future might hold. I hope you have all the happiness in the universe and that you truly repair your heart.

My Dreams And Future

I had the most amazing dream last night. I was in outerspace with the stars above me and the planets beside me. There was even an emergency and we had the chance to suit up.

I wonder what kind of connection our dreams make with the things that happened in our day.

Last night I couldn't help but have more questions. Or think about what I could have said. I see so many solutions, why couldn't you? That's just the way I am. That's why it took me forever to leave my past relationship. But now I don't know if I should insist. Because I don't how strong your feelings are. How could my mind forget at the moment all the questions I could possibly ask?

Now more than before I want to leave and be somewhere where no one knows who I am. I have no feelings that tie me to this place. Maybe now I can build my future somewhere else. I know I have to be positive even when I don't feel it.

I wish you could have seen the solutions, maybe then I could have told you how I really felt

Where is my happiness? It's a state of mind, and I find it sometimes in the little things

You Changed Your Mind

It's Over

My mind is clear today, I have no more questions, and I have no more doubts. I let myself say and feel it all. To the point where I think you didn't like it. I noticed. You changed your mind mid way in our conversation.

Do you want to be friends? A friend is someone you care for, ask about their day, their feelings. We can't even be that. It's not what you want. It's not even something you could do these past days. So why tell me otherwise? All this time i respected that and asked for nothing. But I want to be more than friends, I know you are scared of committing. I noticed. You told me all the time. Too many times. How could I feel freely in fear of driving you away?

We can't be together because of desire. I don't wish to take all our moments back. But I do wish you could see past it. Can we start fresh? I don't think it's an option.

How can two people that care for each other not be together because of such a small thing. Not small because it's not important. What makes it small is where it's coming from, you don't need to cross an ocean or fight an army. Can you imagime how many loves never came to be during history because of war, family, money, geography, and so much more. Our obstacle was small.

I don't feel like it was fair to let me go. What makes me different? Will you ever love anyone?

My only explanation is, your feelings were never strong enough. And the idea will help me forget.

I'm glad I cried all my tears the days before our final conversation. I cried them all. These past days i assumed the worst. And you calmed my mind by saying I shouldn't have assumed, but then you changed yours. I noticed. Still, I'm glad you never saw me cry.

I'm aware my words might make no sense, like most of our conversations. But I will leave them as is.

I'll take the happy moments and try to forget what could have been. I'm no wonderwoman. I feel strongly, and that makes me vulnerable. I'm not powerful. I just let go. I'm letting go.

Where is my happiness?

Quedó como un amor de colegio

The Reality Of Today

I find nowhere to express my feeling. Because there are so many eyes on you in social media, and even if they're not looking my way, i wouldn't ever share my thoughts publicly. It's so easy for everyone else to share their life, their happiness, their sadness without the fear of being judged by others.

Today i find my heart aching, because I let it feel freely. I believed in your words and your actions and I let go. But now my heart feels broken and feelings don't just burn and evaporate out of the heart. The ashes sink and the smoke gets trapped in the walls of my mind.

In my mind, my thoughts are traveling faster than the speed of my words, and i can't keep up. They won't rest with so many questions i need an answer to.

Why did you lead me to believe what was never going to be real?
Why can't you tell me what you want in the future?
Why did you say you cared for me?
Why do you think i'm so cold that i might not be feeling right now?
What did I do?
Where is my happiness?
When will it come?
Where is my peace of mind?
Why do i feel the shiver on my skin?

I never thought my first entry would be such a sad one. The reality of life is that good and bad things happen, but they also come and go